Doing It Alone
by FreekyDisaster18
Summary: Wash has just died and Zoe finally finds out her dreams have come true, she's pregnant. But now that she's without her husband, will she cope?
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHORS NOTE: So this is my first attempt at a chapter-fic for Firefly so hopefully it will be okay. I'm a WIP writer so I apologise for how long it shall take. This is based after the movie and the series.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters**

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><p><strong>[Doing It Alone]<strong>

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><p>Standing on the hillside, Zoe looked at the three grave stones and felt tears sting her eyes as she focused solely on that of her late husband. She couldn't believe he was gone. She'd been fine dealing with his death back on Miranda because she knew that the rest of the team, her family, needed her to be strong for them as they braved the army of Reavers. It was the army training in her that had allowed for her to distance herself from the fact that she'd just watched her husband's brutal death and switch into soldier mode.<p>

Now, however, she didn't have the adrenaline rush or the rest of the team to distract her from the inevitable truth that she was now alone in the world or alone as a person could be when you live on a small ship with a medium sized team. She pressed her hand to the stone, her tears now falling free because she was alone with no one watching as she knelt down before the stone. "Oh sweetheart, I miss you already." She said thinking of how many moments the team had shared, even in their grief, which would have allowed for a comment that only Wash would be stupid enough to say out loud.

Pressing her cheek against the stone, her body curling up into a ball she allowed simply for her tears to fall and her hands to press against her abdomen which already had a small bump. It had been the last thing she'd told Wash before their decision to leave for Miranda. The joy that had washed over him had been a shock to her due to his determined stance that bringing a child up in the black wasn't a good idea. She'd told him many times that she would have a child one day whether he liked it or not but for him to be happy at the news meant so much more to her than she'd ever imagined it could.

Now, however, she'd be doing it alone. She wouldn't have the dutiful husband to take care of her when she was feeling sick or to abuse when she was feeling tired and grouchy. Wash had taken great pleasure in making sure that he'd be there to be her human punch bag as long as the makeup sex was fantastic afterwards. She'd simply smiled at him knowing that Wash would be there for her no matter how sick and tired she got of being pregnant.

"Zoe," she heard someone call behind her softly and she turned round to see Simon standing there. She smiled at the fact that he'd approached her because sometimes Simon decided not to make the first move because he wasn't much of a conversationalist. "I thought you might like some company," he said cautiously not wanting to intrude if he wasn't welcome. Zoe pushed herself up, her hands moving away from her abdomen as she gripped onto the grave.

"I'm fine, Doctor." She promised as she wiped the tear tracks from her face. "Is it bad for me to be thinking that he died happy?" She said thinking back to the large grin on his face, his shouts of that he was a leaf on the wind or something like that – her memories of that particular day were hazy now – and the way his laughter, even if it was one of relief, had sung out over the helm as they'd landed.

"No." Simon said moving up behind her and squeezing her shoulder lightly with a slight hesitation before sighing. "It's starting to get dark. How about we move back to Serenity for the night?" He knew that Zoe could fight anyone that was stupid enough to attack her but the doctor still didn't feel comfortable leaving the woman out here on her own. She was in a vulnerable place right now.

Just outside the ship, she froze as she turned to look at Simon. "Doctor," she said knowing that the decision that Wash and she had made about keeping the baby a secret for a short while wasn't going to work the now, "I'm pregnant." She admitted and wasn't surprised when the man looked at her for a moment before pulling her into his arms. The doctor had slightly gotten over his awkwardness but she could slightly still feel it there when he held her but she didn't care. She just needed someone to hold her at that moment.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHORS NOTE: I'm sorry about the delay in this story! I broke my laptop so I was running without a machine for a while! However it's back now so I'm back to writing. Thank you to everyone that read/alerted/reviewed this story!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters**

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><p><strong>[Struggling to Sleep]<strong>

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><p>Sleep was a hard thing for Zoe to achieve now for many reasons.<p>

First of all, she was afraid to close her eyes because every time she did the death of her husband played like a movie. She could see his bright beaming face at the fact that he'd just managed to land Serenity even though the circumstances had made it pretty impossible, his glee as he said once more that he was a leaf in the wind as he turned back to look at the ship that he truly adored before he was slumped against his chair with a wooden stake through his chest. The constant replay also had her feeling the same heart breaking emotions, the distraught and the desperation to get him out of the chair but she knew that he wouldn't be following.

Secondly, the bed was now scarily empty. The side of the bed that her husband laid in had been untouched for weeks in fear that his presence would go. There was a dent in the middle of the pillow where his head would rest as he lovingly looked at her, the scent of his aftershave and more importantly the smell of just him lingered around the pillow too and she feared that it would suddenly leave her and then it would all be gone. She needed the scent and the dent just to make it through each day.

And finally, she didn't like the idea of falling asleep alone. She had spent so many nights curling up in a bed with the strong arms of her husband, his warm breath tickling her ear as he whispered funny sweet nothings into her ear even as she grumbled that she was trying to sleep but she'd never stop him from doing it. It was almost routine for them and eventually she'd turn in his arms and press a small kiss to his lips, her fingers running through his blonde hair as she leant back and demanded for him to get some sleep before it was his shift at the helm. He'd flash her a cheeky grin before pressing a nipping kiss to her shoulder which would always leave a small mark.

Sitting up in the bed, Zoe looked down at the coloured flesh of her shoulder and felt a new wave of sadness wash over her as she realised that the marks she got used to sporting on her shoulders would never be there again. She was tired. She could feel it in every bone and muscle of her body but sleep was too much of a daunting task. Swinging her feet over the edge of the bed, she grabbed hold of the silk dressing gown that Inara had bought her once Christmas and left her bunk thinking that she'd make herself a hot drink.

Moving into the kitchen, she froze as she saw the captain sat at the table staring blankly at the empty fruit bowl that rested in the centre of the table. "Sir?" She voiced as she stepped into the room and he looked up, a sad smile on his face as he waved for her to continue coming forward.

"I suppose you couldn't sleep either?" His voice, like his facial features, showed how tired the captain actually was and she moved to sit next to him. She sat there for a few moments before she reached out and took hold of one of his hands.

"We'll get through this, captain." She promised knowing that it should be the other way round but it seemed that the recent events had taken it out of everyone and she hated seeing their usually so optimistic captain down in the dumps. "We always do and the rest of the crew need to know that you believe it too." Mal looked over at her and flashed her the cocky grin that she was used to seeing.

"Now you wouldn't be telling me what to do, would you?" He joked shaking his head. "You've always been too big for your boots, Zoe Washburne." He teased lightly but his smile faltered at the use of her surname causing him to look back down at his hands. "How nice is it to have River at a state of normality?"

Smiling, Zoe nodded. "It's even better to know that the doctor can focus on himself for a change."

"Or little Kaylee as the case seems to be," Mal joked shaking his head. "Who'd have thought anything would have come out of that crush she had on him." He shook his head and couldn't help but realise they were talking like two old parents marvelling at how amazing their children were getting on with their lives.

"It's good to see the doctor happy and a lot less awkward," she said thinking about earlier when he'd been the one to venture out to make sure that she was okay. Mal looked over at her and nodded.

"Yes. I did notice that the doc has come out of his shell. He hugged you earlier," he immediately winced because he'd made it obvious that he'd actually been down at the hatch watching the altercation between the two of them. "It seems like only yesterday when he couldn't string a sentence together without ending flustered and rubbing his neck," he chuckled before shaking his head then looking at the watch on his wrist. "Well it's my turn at the helm so River can go get some sleep." Standing up, he grabbed hold of the mug that he'd been drinking out of and looked down at her. "First thing in the morning you go speak to the doc about your sleeping problems. I don't need my first mate falling sick on me, do you understand?" He had a little authority in his tone but Zoe knew that he wasn't joking.

"Sure thing, sir."

"I'm not joking. You're the only reason I'm still alive. Who's going to save my rear next time we get into a fight if you're will?" He teased lightly before running up the steps to the helm where she could hear him faintly talking to River before she came down the stairs and walked over to Zoe, her hand squeezing her shoulder slightly before leaving towards her room next to Simon's. Zoe wasn't surprised that River was aware of what was happening inside her head. River pretty much knew anything.

Sighing, Zoe decided that she'd best try sleep again seeing as there was only a few hours before sunrise anyway.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTHORS NOTE: Just a little filler chapter and an apology! I know it's been so long since I updated this story and I feel awful! I'm working on JuNoWriMo at the moment but I do promise to write more the minute I have chance! Zoe is extremely OOC for this story, as you've probably already noticed, but that is for the story!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters**

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><p><strong>[Hospital Appointment]<strong>

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><p>Several hours later, Zoe woke to the sound of laughter in the kitchen. She didn't know why but it made her smile. Since the death of her husband, Shepherd Book and Mr Universe there had been no laughter or smiles on Serenity. It had saddened her immensely. She felt as if the sadness that had taken over Serenity was what was making her eternally depressed too. She'd prayed that River and Kaylee would continue their giggling fits or that Jayne would make inappropriate comments that she'd be able to laugh at but they'd all changed too. Her usual distractions failed to distract her.<p>

Changing into her tight pants and the brown leather top, she pretty much ran up the steps to go see who was sat in the kitchen and causing the beautiful sound that she had missed. "Good morning," she said to a smiling Kaylee as she spoke to Inara.

"Oh Zoe," she gasped the smile immediately wiping off her face when she saw the woman standing at the door, "I'm sorry. We didn't mean to wake you up or..." be heard laughing went unsaid but Zoe just shook her head as she moved to sit down at the table, her hand reaching out to grab hold of the two women's sat across from her.

"I miss the laughing, Kaylee." She explained nodding her head while forcing a smile. "I need you guys to help me get through this. I know you're all hurting too and I'm being extremely selfish by asking this but I want to get back to normal. Do you think," she took a deep breath as she tried to work up the strength to say her deceased husband's name but she couldn't knowing it would open the floodgates again, "he would be happy knowing that you had stopped laughing or running around Serenity like a young girl with River and Inara, do you think he'd be happy knowing that you've stopped wearing your bright clothes?" She said referring to the dark black dress Inara had been wearing recently, it obviously being the only one she owned.

The two women smiled as they squeezed her hand back. "Well I suppose I'd best go change. Mal has mentioned that we'll be landing in Persephone shortly." She said standing up, her hand squeezing Kaylee's shoulder before she turned and left the kitchen. Zoe smiled as she turned back to look at Kaylee.

"Now you go see if young River is ready for a day out in Persephone. It'll be the first time she's seen it and will be allowed out," she said knowing that the alliance, even if they did still want to capture the Tam siblings, would stay away from them after the secret they'd let out on Miranda. "I'm sure she'd loving having a guide that knows the land."

"Are you coming out today, Zoe?"

"I wasn't planning on doing so," she admitted aloud. "I was going to use it to catch up on my sleep because I'm feeling extremely tired recently."

"That's a shame," a voice from the door said and she turned to smile at the doctor, "I was going to ask if you would accompany me somewhere, Zoe?" He said moving into sit down next to bronze skinned warrior, smiling. However, instead of waiting for Zoe to answer he addressed the other girl sat with them. "Kaylee, River is in a state between being awake and asleep. I'm sure if you go startle her she'll be ready in no time to leave when we dock in Persephone," The girl nodded her head, her eyes flicking between the two of them before leaving.

"Where would you like us to go, Doctor?" She asked standing up and moving over to the kitchen so that she could fill two cups with water before moving back to sit next to him, offering him the other mug.

"I still have a friend at the hospital that owes me a favour," he whispered looking at her with wide eyes and she smiled at him knowing what it was he was getting at. Looking down at her mug, she shook her head.

"I don't have that kind of money, Simon. I'm not going to be able to pay for anything like that."

"Zoe, she owes me a favour. I'm also going to ask her if they have any old equipment that I can have. With my knowledge and Kaylee's skills, we could have a working scan in a couple of weeks." He explained with a light shrug as he took a drink of the water. Simon had been on the ship long enough that he was used to the creating the machinery they needed through bits and bobs that they could find here and there. It allowed for him to have individual technology that worked the way the original piece would. It was inspiring knowing that he had to create everything he needed.

"Why would you do all that for me, Simon?" She asked him simply as she kept her gaze on her cup, her thumb tracing patterns on the side.

"Because you might have always hated River and I being on the ship but you always kept us grounded as well," he said with a shrug of his shoulders, "and I owe it to Wash, Zoe. He was one of the main ones that always wanted me here. The only one constantly arguing that murdering us both wasn't an option." He said with a warm chuckle as he remembered the first day when they'd all boarded the ship and Wash had argued that they were all better than that now.

Zoe laughed. A sound that she hadn't heard from her throat in the weeks that they'd lost him. It was true. No one had argued more for Simon and River to stay on the ship than Wash had. He'd been devastated when they couldn't find the siblings when they'd been kidnapped by the villagers knowing that they needed to leave so that Book could have medical help from the Alliance. He had almost refused to go until he realised that Book was also a part of their crew and they needed to save him too. He had grumbled the whole way.

"Yeah," she said with a smile, "he liked you and River long before any of us did. We should have all trusted him because he was such a good judge of character," she thought thinking back to how her first opinion on her own husband had been wrong. She hadn't liked him and she still couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was that had irritated her about him. "Of course, I'll go with you Simon." She said before standing up.

"Zoe," he said standing up too, "you realise that for us to be able to turn the equipment into the right machine, you'll need to tell the crew. I can't lie to Kaylee about why we're building one. I could try but..."

"I'd never ask you to lie for me, Simon," especially not to young Kaylee, she admitted quietly to herself. The relationship between the mechanic and the doctor was finally hitting off so she didn't want to be the one responsible for them having their first big fall out. "I'll tell them tonight when we get back. Once we've had the first scan." She said smiling at him before leaving the kitchen deciding to change into something less fitting for such an appointment.

Simon stood in the kitchen, his grip tightening on the mug that he held in his hand as he felt a range of emotions for the once strong warrior woman. He sighed. He hoped that maybe seeing the baby today would snap her out of this daze she was in and she'd return to her usual feisty self along with a new emotion that no one was expecting, maternal instinct. He didn't ponder much longer as he moved to his quarters to get ready, a smile on his face as heard Kaylee and River whispering next door.


End file.
